Funny One-Liners

• Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal


• At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh!
Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?


• A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out ur infection, u r to have no relations whatsoever!
Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?


• A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
French: Toilette pepper!


• A French guest, staying in a hotel in New York, phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" said the Frenchman.


• A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."


• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations--we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together


• Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter


• Two women were talking about their new milkman.
First: He's very good looking, punctual & dresses so smartly.
And so quickly too!, said the other.


• Santa & Banta were walking in the highlands then suddenly Santa fell down a deep hole.
Banta: Are you ok?
Santa: Fine thanks!
Banta: Did you break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here!


• An old: Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.
Doc: That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down.


• Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.


• It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by an Irish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by an English inventor who put a hole in the seat.


• There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may never piss this way again."


• Santa always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.


• Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls??


• A blonde calls a mechanic 2 fix her car, he gets it goin in 2 minutes.
What was the prob?
Just shit in the air filter
How often do I hv to do that?


• Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."


• Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!


• A history teacher & his wife were sitting at a table. The wife asked. 'Anything new at work?'
He replied, 'No, I'm teaching History.'


• Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over & whispered: My butt is going to sleep. 'I know,' replied the other, 'I heard it snore three times.'


• Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.


• A guy took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for their views on various issues. On his very first call, he introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."
A man on the other end replied, "Yeah, and this is a street light!"


• Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.


• Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to 6000. So when would you like to start?
Santa: In 3 months.


• A girl proposed to Santa and he denied simply saying that in our family, we marry only our relatives. My mom married my dad, my brother married my bhabhi , my uncle married my aunt and so on. So please excuse me !!!!!


• I took my secretary to lunch the other day, and I discovered she was not the old fashioned type. After two old fashions she couldn't type.


• Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."


• There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.


• An army sergeant told Santa to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.
"I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the sergeant. "Why did you come back?"
"Because there's already somebody there!"

Car Theft Controller

Car Theft Controller - a GSM Technology based alert which is installed in your car.

If any unknown enters into the car, the Infra Red system detects that and activates the sim which is inside your car. The technology used is GSM and not CDMA as it has a better coverage.
It will then send you a message that your car is in danger.All you have to do is send a message saying "Seize the engine" and the engine would get jammed in seconds.
Now the problem is that if any friend lends your car for a day(or two..or three ;-)), all you have to do is stop the infra red syatem from detecting any kind of signal. The procedure is same..just send an SMS to your car.
Isnt that simple and great? What makes it more interesting is that it is not designed by some High profile engineers but a group of students who are pursuing their engineering. It really makes me feel WOW!

Sardarji - A Detective A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

I am in no mood to work today..It feels like it's been ages that i have spent some time with myself. That doesn mean that i am working too hard that i m not getting time..but just that there are a lot of things happening around in life ..lots of major changes....

The Panchatantra 2K6



Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market. One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river. As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "Is this your computer ?" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No." She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his. Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!" Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his. The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes." The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?" The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid idiot! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!" So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!
Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it is better keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!!!

LIE DETECTOR A lie machine is bought.It works in the following way..... If the truth is told- the machine wont give any sound If a lie is told- the machine will give a sound 'TNAAAAA...' Now there are three Indians. One Bengali,one Madrasi and one Sardarji. Their correspondences are given infront of the lie machine.Here it goes...... Bengali:- 'I think I can eat 30 rosogullas at a time!' Lie machine:-'TNAAAAA...' Bengali:-'No no, I think I can eat 10 rosogullas at a time' Lie machine:- no sound(truth is told) Madrasi:-'I think i can eat 25 dosas at a time' Lie machine:-'TNAAA...' Madrasi:-'No no,I think i can eat 10 dosas at a time' Lie machine:-no sound(truth) Sardarji:-'I think....' Lie machine:- 'TNAAAAAA.....' Sardarji:-'I think...' Lie machine:-'TNAAAAAAA...... Sardarji:-'I think...' Lie machine:-'TNAAAAAAA...... Sardarji:-'I think...' Lie machine:-'TNAAAAAAA...... Sardarji:-'I think...' Lie machine:-'TNAAAAAAA......

em getting really bugged up..sitting here in this 2/2 cubicle and doing nothing.
not that i don wanna do anything but bcause really don hav any motivation or inspiration to do anything...
gotta fill that stupid appraisal form...thats irritating me all the way more as i'll not b getting any monetary gains.. :-( (then y fill this irritting 10 page form???????).
i think the last exciting thing i did in my life was.....mmmmmmmmm......mmmmmm....i don remember!!!
arre han now i remember....it was my trip to vaishno devi along with my college frds.
wat fun we had..!!
okay!! lemme tell u in detail..
9 of us (the maha awaara grp ) went to place called vaishno devi(yes! its a holy place!)
..5 guys n 4 gals !!..
we sang, danced, teased each other, n climbed the whole of 12 kms of hill....(which is something really gr8 to do for me! ).
the best part was there was no particular couple on which we were passing comments...anybody n everybody wud do..!!
i really enjoyed to the fullest in those 4 days of my life.
now comes the ques that how did we choose a holy place for the trip? it has a very strong reason..!!
normally wat happens, gal's parents say no to these trips as they are worried about the security..as it wasn organised by college.. but considering the place they let us go!!


me signing off now!
will continue later
bbye